Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
