dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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