I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize