You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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