I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
