this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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