It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
