i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
