Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
How naked do you want me to be?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
