I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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