a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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