ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
