I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
