Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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