dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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