just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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