i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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