"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
