I wish I only lived at night.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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