Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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