i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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