god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
