I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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