Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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