they need to just BURY HIM!
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I did not marry a roomba.
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