GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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