Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
