i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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