his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
