I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
