is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
What drink are we having for lunch?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
