Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
