had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
