A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
