This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
