Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
why is half of my head shaved?
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