Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
