I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
