Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
