i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
