Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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