Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize