have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
