Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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