i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
