i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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