I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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