In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
