I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
