I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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