I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize