i need an iv and a liver transplant
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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