someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
