I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
