one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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