Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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