i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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